my heart..

this is my mum's xray... few weeks before the cancer reached her lungs.. so yeah, Hi mother:)...hehehe...dont worry she'll forgive me for using her x-ray for artsy stuff...hahaha... i think she'll love this:)....hehehee...hhmmm...missed her so much...

rambling and bla bla..

there are 1hundred plus pictures i've taken during our childrens camp...and gosh! im so lazy to upload it...i mean this past few days im too lazy to do anything...hahahhaa... i have to kick my own butt to finish all my unfinished task before new year....yay!!! new year...i hate new year, i mean im excited at the same time im too lazy for new 'adventures'...haaaiiihhh...i dont know what im talking about i think im hungry...*pause*...i smell peanut butter...yum..yum..

Leadership Seminar

what makes a man devote himself to equip group of people without even getting anything in return?what makes him devote his time beside his busy schedule to take time and spendit with people whom he's not familiar with? it's the urgency and of course out of his love towards GOd...

last night i went for a leadership seminar in our church, and our church we have 6outreaches and 4churches send their representatives. over all 124people attended and more will be coming tonight.

it was really an eye opener as ps.Lam explain the current situation, the churches, christians, political, economically and ect. in the 60's, 60% people in sabah were christians, in 80's 40% and now there only 24.3% Christians in Sabah. if we do not stand and awake within 10years there's possibility that christianity will be a history in this state.

it's a sad fact.i dont want to elaborate more on this.maybe next time. as of now it's just really breaking my heart. i was thinking, so what have we done this past 10years?...and i never met youth that willing to gave up their life and dont mind going to jail for Christ sake and the Gospel. i dont know maybe there are, few...

my desire Lord is that thru my life people will be drawn, inspire,encourage to love Christ more than anything, to abandon their life for Christ sake and the Gospel.

so many things i wanted to write one of them is about persecution. it has been in my heart since i was 15 yrs old. The Lord has stir this in my heart long time ago and now it become more clearer and the Holy Spirit have been faithful, giving me understanding on this matter though there are things that im still uncertain.

another random questionsssss....

Do you like to shop?
hahahaa...yes, this is one of my bad habit...shop..shopp.till you drop..

How often do you go online?
i do not have any internet access at home which is very good:) seldom, only for important stuff..

Something or someone you miss the most from childhood?
ya, something: my rollerblade shoe, someone: few adults that used to look after me when i was smal

Are you usually late, early or right on time?
hahhaha...depend, sometimes too early sometimes too late...

Are you happy with your life for the most part right now?
yeeaahhhh..

You can have one of the following two things: trust/love?
i'll pick love..

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
israel...

Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
i guess...lolz

Your best friend dies, what would you do?
cry really hard, seek the Lord ask 'why, why' then move on...hehehhe

When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
today...im honest to my self mostly everyday and im trying to be honest to everyone about myself and what i feel...

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?to tell someone i love 'em

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
cant think of...

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
IF i know how to do..yes..unfortunately i cant...

Are you old fashioned?
not too old not to modern....hahhaa..

Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
have never loved before...

If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?
i wish that i was born in a village with no electricity and internet access...hahahha

Whats your middle name?
griffith

How big is your bed?
big enough for one person o have a good night sleep...

What music are you listening to right now?
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?
0436

What was the last thing you ate?
rice

Who was the last person you hugged?
joanne!!!

How is the weather right now?
just nice:) (but in few hours i know it'll rain again..)

random questionssss...

Do you remember your favorite teacher?
few...good teachers but not my fav...

Which are your 2 favorite careers and why?
journalist- you can travel and i love to write and hear stories
businesswoman-you can be a boss and a worker at the same time..hehhee..

Which is the hardest thing you ever had to do?
to have faith...

When was the last time you lied and to whom and why?
hahha..last saturday, actually it's not really a lie..it's a surprise for my friend's party so i have to make up some story for her to believe me..hahaha...ok Lord forgive me...

Tell me about something you really regret?
a lot of things but one thing i really regreted is that i was not able to thank her for everything...
as in everything...

Tell me about a mistake you made?
cheque....ggrrrr...i dont want to elaborate more this...nightmare!!..heheheh...

Tell me about someone in your family?
my mum..she's a superwoman, independant, full of wisdom, i've learned to love unconditionally thru her life...

Tell me about your favorite book, magazine or comic?
there are few one of them is the power of prayer...

Tell me about someone you envy?
envy?...hahhaha...ssshhuuu..secret...hahaha

Tell me about something you've achieved?
making a diff in other people's life..it change others in a good way and gave you some fulfillment..

Tell me about the worst punishment you had when you were a child?
i was really a spoiled brat when i was a kid..hahaha...let me see... spank

Tell me about your first kiss (if it is possible)?
first kiss from my parents?

Tell me about someone you really admire?
kathryn kuhlman

Tell me about the last movie you've watched?
ngeee!!..cant remember..i seldom watch movies..i think it's been ages..

Tell me about a country you would like to visit most and why?
any place where the grass is green with beautiful gardens, fountains, birds flying here and there..hahhaa

Tell me about your favourite music / song / band?
IHOP worship team... most of their songs are my prayers and my love song to God

Tell me about something you would happily do again?
to have this awkward conversation with that stranger again..lol

Name your 5 favorite foods?
1.pizza
2.blueberry cheese cake
3.chicken salad
4.nasi lemak
5. rojak!!..yum..yumm
i know all these are unhealthy food..hahhaa...who cares anyway...hehehe

a young man who interviewed six elderly prayer veterans of the New Hebrides revival said,

"One of them looked at me with fire in his ancient eyes, and he said in a broken brogue,

'if you ever find Him, never, never, never, never let go!"

-tommy tenney, God's favorite house.

forgive and let go

i ask forgiveness from him, i know he's offended and hurt by my action last year after i told him to move on, get a life and forget about me.though he never told me he's offended but i can see and feel he is,plus i was convicted to approach him and make things right.i dont want only me to move and grow in life, i also want to see him and others to grow in love and in christ. i dont want to be a stumbling block, i dont want because of me he still have this bitterness towards me from what i've told him before. i regretted so much from what i've said to him, i was in 'emotional crisis' at that moment, we were shocked when we knew about my mum's condition at the same time he ask to re-consider and we should continue praying about us (but we have never been in a relationship together before) and i was soooo stressed up i blew it all to him and i know he was hurt from my words.

i know he's not meant for me, i've pray earnestly about a year, seeking God and deep deep down in me i know GOd has a better plan for both of us.so i let him go and rest upon God's promises. the moment i knew he's not the one, every morning without fail i pray this prayer "promise me o women of Jerusalem...that you will not awaken the love until it's time".true enough the Lord kept my heart,he holds it tightly and i am grateful that he owns my heart.

i know it's lame..hahaha..i ask forgiveness thru text msg..we talked and he didnt want to admit at first but i told him whatever it is 'i am sorry'...he replied my message admitting that he was offended when i said those words. he said this "it's easy for you to ask me to move on, to ask God to throw this feeling away and to forget the person that i love so much, it's easy for you to say". and yeah we ended forgiving each other and he told me that he'll still be my friend.we will always be! hehehee..i knew him since i was 12..of course we will always be. it feels great whenever we choose to forgive even when you need to humble yourself and make things right, in the end it's worth it.

those words he wrote strucked my heart. i agree with what he said, it's soooo easy for me to say. so easy for me to say that.not so long ago i fell for this one particular guy..fell really hard. but things didnt went as what i've planned and i've decided that i need to let him go though it hurts, so much. we can never truly understand one's sorrow unless we walk thru the same road.now i understood my friend's feeling. as time goes by, day by day and faithfully GOd heal this wounds and mend this broken heart because He is God, He is God. he owned this heart, he knows how to fix it even when im the one who breaks it.Jesus, his name brings healing to those who call upon Him.

holiday season...

merry christmas!!!!...hehehhe..i wish i can say that with full of excitement and joy...hahhaa...

seriously, i really cant feel 'christmas'...i dont know why, im not sad or excited about it...i just noticed everyone cant wait for christmas, hmmmm...what do you want to do sheila on this holiday season? let me see...i wish i can go up, up to the mountain or somewhere quiet, where i can be alone and pray...hahhaa...ok that sound soo spiritual...hahhaa... but seriously, if i were to be honest with my heart..that's my answer, spiritual as it may sound but that's what my heart wants.

maybe im not too excited welcoming christmas and holiday season is because my dad and 3sisters is not here with me and this is the first time for 20yrs of my life i'll be celebrating christmas without my mom..

shopping?eating?sleeping? laughter?dance? family gathering? sounds good..
hhhmmmm...i want to spend as much time possible to sit still in God's presence and fellowship with him. it's not something that i force myself to do, it's something that i want to do, i crave and desire to spend as much time possible, to be mesmerize by His Word and captivate by his unfailing love..

this past few weeks the Holy Spirit has been working tremendously in my life, and revealing things.i am humbled and sweetly broken by the work of the Holy Spirit. this process is much harder than i thought but God always reminds me that His grace is sufficient for me... all i need is Him, when i tell myself this truth that all i need is Him, it brought such great joy and comfort to my soul. "He is enough sheila, His grace is sufficient for thee" is the word that rings thru my heart and ear constantly.

Camping!!!!

yes, we have this 3days and 2nights children's camp, starting today.i will only be joining tonight after work...going to do puppet skit and tomorrow going to lead the worship..you go ahead of us Holy Spirit:)...

my beloved...

why i can take my eyes out of you Lord?...
i am lovesick. i am lovesick.
as the writer of songs of solomon desire for
his beloved so my soul longs for thee..
hehehee...i love you Lord...i love you Lord...
i was truly made to worship you..
i was made to love you...

random stuff from my crazy thoughts

are we CHRISTIAN meant to live a 'happy life', are we meant only to fellowship in our gated community?just to enjoy the fellowship within our own people, within our boundaries, are we designed by God just to go with the flow of the world? are we meant just to live life?

i observed that many christian tried to avoid conflicts and especially persecution. and it makes me sick! i've heard Christian leaders said this "you can evangalize to anyone just dont get near muslim people, you'll ended up in jail"... so what?!... so what?!..im sick and tired when christian try to play safe...try to avoid persecution...i wanna cry, in fact i did cry many times..i cried about myself, why do i corrupt my mind together with those who are afraid of sharing the suffering of Christ.

Souls Behind the walls

One of the local archbishops and one of the great scholars in Argentina said this,

“I have spent my whole life in the church; I know the church inside out. I have studied the doctrines of the church; and I have studied the structures and the history of the church through the ages. But it was when I visited that prison that I encountered the living church. I saw the church alive in the love of the volunteers caring for those sick prisoners in the name of Christ.”

Yesterday my friend Grace called me up asking for more bible for the inmates, she visited the women side and told me that they were looking for me, they asked her when will I go to prison and visit them again. That really touched my heart. Actually I miss them a lot, they are constantly in my thoughts and heart though I do not know them very well it’s the blood of Christ that brought us together.

Like what our Sabah Prison Director would say, ‘when we go visit the prison we thought we are going to bring Christ inside the wall but actually we are visiting Christ”

Hebrew 13:3
Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself.

Remember also those being mistreated,

as if you felt their pain in your own bodies.

Matthew 25:43-45
43I was a stranger, but you did not welcome me,

and I was naked, but you did not give me any clothes to wear.

I was sick and in jail, but you did not take care of me."
44Then the people will ask,

"Lord, when did we fail to help you when you were hungry

or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in jail?"
45The king will say to them,

"Whenever you failed to help any of my people,

no matter how unimportant they seemed, you failed to do it for me."

Some people say that it must be our calling to go behind the walls. But I don’t think so, I mean it was not stated that we must be called first to visit those who are in prison. Well, I don’t want to elaborate more on this subject; I don’t want to judge either.

One thing i know for sure,God’s heart is always for these people, the least, the weak and helpless. Whether they are in prison because they were treated unfairly or plainly because it’s their fault, whatever it is Jesus also died for them. Criminal, the least of the community. I always believe if we do have real passion for Christ we will have genuine compassion for the lost, though maybe we are not called ‘full time’ in this prison ministry but it is rewarding and fulfilling if we spend our time visiting those who are behind walls.

it's been a year im in this ministry,I went in few times. Second after second, minutes reached hours and every moment I'm with them I felt God’s presence and there is peace. i can see the reality of Christ, His love and compassion. I was so humbled whenever I’m with them because i am also like them, a sinner, condemed, unclean and the difference is they got caught of their sin and im not but im still a sinner saved by grace. I can’t help the tears flowing down my cheek; it’s not the tears of sadness but tears of thankfulness. i can imagined myself in there and how God redeemed me, how He paid the price, his unconditional love towards me that took my soul away from death and eternal condemnation. whether we are prisoner or free man, if one soul owned by Christ, that soul can taste genuine freedom compared those who walk freely outside without Christ in their stricken soul.

I have this desire to serve these prisoner when I was a teenager and I prayed for 2years, crying out to God that I want to serve prisoner, somehow, somewhere I can comprehend their suffering. God always work in mysterious ways, I was hired to work with one of our church member and he was also a member of prison ministry and was promoted this year to be one of the Directors for Prison fellowship Asia. I’m looking forward to visit the inmates this coming 28th of Nov. yay! Thank you Lord

“God’s love is always expressed most powerfully amid the ruins of human existence. The strength of His love brings life amid weakness and decay. The living church is always a church that embraces the weak, the feeble and the incompetent. The Gospel truth is the resurrection of a dead man, Jesus. This is evidenced wherever and whenever His love and life is poured out through His people caring for others in the decaying, forgotten ruins of humanity. This is the church of the resurrection. This is the living church!”

By Ronald W.Nikkel

DELETE...

hmmm...im going to delete my FB account this monday...i already deleted my friendster account and others. i just felt i need to take a break from social networking. im going to elaborate more soon, the reason why i choose to to delete all my account... but as of now, i have to say BYE BYE:)...

taaa daaa!!! :)

i also found this 2books...hahhaa...this was our youth camp official book for 2005 and 2007, each camper will received this unique book, fillef with quizzes, Q&A, do's and dont, all the thing they need to know for that camp and the best part is...me and my youngest sister, both of us desinged this book. hahaha...i love to work with my sister in term of designing stuff.i really miss designing things.. hmmmm...reminds me of the good old days...the memories, laughter, my friends etc...

new journal

thank u Lord..hehehee..i dont have to buy a new journal...i remember someone gave me one from last year christmas gift..yeah! i can save my money...hhahahaa...here's the journal..i love it...i really dont remember i have this journal..seriously, not until the Lord reminded me. i have to open up my boxes and all the old stuff...just to find this thing..hehehe..

After hearing the news that my friend (she’s more like my youngest sister) her mum passed away last Monday. To be honest I was perplexed and disappointed. I truly understand what she went through, every moment, every minute. The fear, the hurt, the pain, all the ‘Whys’, regrets ect.

Her father passed away when she was just a kid, leaving her with her mum alone in this place. Now she’s an orphan. She told one of our friends that she has nothing and no one anymore in this life.

Is life unfair? YES, life is unfair! Do I blame God for this situation?honestly, NO but I did asked Him why.

I went to my room Monday night, as usual to pray. I was exhausted emotionally and mentally. The first thing I said is “why, Lord”. I’m not a holy person I am just a human being, I was just totally disappointed, and being transparent with God is always the best thing.

Since earlier this year I faced the death of my close friend then death of our family friend then death of my mum then people who I knew very well and others.

Yes, life is unfair, injustice are everywhere, while the rich lavish themselves with riches and pleasure, the poor died from starving. While many mock their parents, others have to crave for mother’s love. Though there are things that we can find the answer others do not have, like death.

Whatever it is, all the above cannot change the fact that my God is still GOD. It will not change the magnitude and greatness of my God.

It’s a great comfort when I was confronted in my room that night with this truth. That God is still Sovereign.

Hebrew 13:8Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

It’s not something that I just profess because I am a Christian. No, I experience God and His faithfulness in my life, though I still have many question marks over my thoughts but still it cannot change the fact.

As for my situation, I don’t know why God took my mum away though miracle is still in existence. I have no specific answer for that but then again, as I’ve said. It can’t change the reality of who God is in MY LIFE.

NOTHING can change the fact Sheila! The fact that my God is sovereign that everything works for good to those who LOVE HIM, that my God is YHWH. HE is enough to answer my life's questions. His personality, character, His names, He himself is enough to answer all the why's and question mark.. though the answer doesnt fit my understanding and human perspective but He is enough, He is above all. He is larger than my heart and life itself. His ways and thoughts are beyond mine.

As for my friend. I’m not sure whether she is saved but I’m praying that she’ll have a personal encounter with God. Though darkness overwhelm her, I’m praying that she will find the Light of the world. Even when death breaks her but Life will abound. Praying that in this lowest point of her life let it become the turning point of her life.

When everything falls apart and fail, will you be found faithful?
Praising God in good season. well, everyone can do it.
Praising God in the midst of suffering and loosing someone is tough…
I’ve learned the hard ways and am still learning and I found that God is faithful.
I’ve learn this, that I don’t need a “good, logical reason that fits/please my brain and emotion” to praise God.
Praise Him even when everything’s collide and confusion overwhelm,
praise Him even when you do not have the answer because God is still a Sovereign GOD.

I went out from my room that night not knowing the answer but I ended up rejoicing in the God of my salvation. And yeah, I still don’t have the answer…I think I don’t need it. I guess…hmmmm….

This is such a beautiful prayer offered by Habakkuk..

Habakkuk 317
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the olive crop failsand the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will triumph in the LORD;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!
19 YHWH my Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like those of a deer
and enables me to walk on mountain heights!

yesterday and today

Yesterday i wept bitterly,
Today I rejoice exceedingly.
Yesterday was winter, cold and dark,
Today is spring time with the birds on the park.
Yesterday i saw the the leaves fade away,
Today i see it bloom, dance and sway.
Yesterday was busy friday

Today is saturday, beautiful saturday.
Yesterday I lay down on the street with ashes and sorrow,
Today I dance in the rain like there's no tomorrow.
Yesterday we were acquaintances,
Today he’s a memoryA bittersweet memory...