Just don’t read this…

When we became Christian it doesn’t mean that EVERYTHING we perform is correct, EVERYTHING we speak is right… I’m not talking about faith, religion or doctrine.

I’m talking about accountability… being responsible, it irritates me a lot when I saw Christian who did mistake to a NON-BELIEVER and yet do not want to take the responsibility… admit you’re wrong and pay back what damage you’ve done in people’s lives. We should be a peacemaker (for they will be called the sons of God)

I’ve came across many believers and sometimes I found myself as one of the ‘doer’ of not being responsible. (Forgive me Lord)

Of course we Christian are not perfect but its just make no sense if you take that excuse to toss your responsibility, or not admitting your fault….

Christian should be humble, meek and gentle… be an example especially to unbelievers. Quick to say sorry even if it’s not our fault instead I saw Christian raising their voice pointing fingers even when it is their fault and I’m not talking about Christian who are babes in Christ. They profess they are Christian and yet they walk with their heads up high and whenever critics and accusation start to come up they justify themselves and claimed that Christian have to go through ‘suffering’.. That’s not suffering that’s the price we need to pay out of our own stupidity!

They talked about Christ and at the same time they gave threat…
They speak of peace and yet they create chaos
Even as I’m saying this I also prayed for this, I’ve seen it again and again…
Burdened to see a generation that lives out Matthew 16:24…

BE LIFTED HIGH

i love this video especially when he sang the chorus part

this has been my prayer that God will be lifted high in my life

that as i walk with him, as i pass thru this journey of self-denial and humility,

as i am sweetly broken and deal with my shortcoming

let the people see Christ be Magnify in my weaknesses...

pictures!

hehehe... i think i'm enjoying doing this with my pictures... :)

My Song is Your Heart, Jesus...

i will keep on singing Lord
though my fears overwhelmed me,
i will keep on praising you
even when thousand rose against me,
i will keep on dancing
as i take my step into this unknown,
i will keep on worshipping
though my mind and heart collide,

why are you so downcast O my soul?

i will yet praise Him

My Savior, My king

something from my heart to you

its been quite sometimes i never visited my profile on friendster...
hahhaa....FACEBOOK ROCKS!
dont worry i didnt get paid to say that...its just something straight from my heart (but i think i should get paid for saying that..hmmm..hehehe)..lol
anyways, and yeah.. at last i open my ac in friendster and i saw this...
a poem, i wrote this few years ago... Hope you'll be blessed:)

i am who i am...
i am once naked and in despair,
broken beyond repair,
but He took me in his care,
and loved me for who I AM

I want to be single. I want to get married :)

Talking about lonely,
I have come across with many people who have this desire to be bond
lately,many of my friends shared about this subject which I myself am struggling on this matter.
5years passed by and im still praying whether I should be single or get married.

I have this personal conversion with God when I was 15, and throughout my teenage life I was deeply in love and was extremely excited in my walk with God (and still I am ) so I never really bothered to be in any relationship at that moment… well I did pray with one guy but it was clear we are not for each other, never been in any serious relationship and yes, I do have major/minor crush..hehhee and still I do not have that desire to be bond (to be in a commitment) with any guy at that moment…

As I grew older in my walk with Christ and physically I realize that the 'desire' start to creep out which in my opinion it is normal as long as you do not sin but still im hesitate/undecided to have one.

I want to be single:

Yes I do want to be single,
In 1 Corinthians 7
8 So I say to those who aren’t married…..—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am.

I am very much encouraged by this. since I have dedicated my life to be in full time ministry I think it is much more easier to be single, you can fully focus yourself to Christ and His ministry. There are so many advantages being single. You can be 'all out' for God and go wherever and whenever you want without being tied down, you will have more freedom etc.

And one of the reason why I desire to remain single as of now, in this evil and wicked generation its hard, I really mean it…really hard to find godly man not professing Christian, a guy who is fully committed to Christ and have the same calling in life. I do not know if this guy do exists.

And I have to say marriage is not easy! Seriously… it’s not easy! I’ve seen, witnessed and heard many stories and many times it scares me… hehheee…

Yes, marriages are truly a gift from God. But in my personal opinion this shouldn’t be our first priority in life as what I have witnessed many women think that they will be ‘complete’ and can find true happiness and true satisfaction in marriages, they fail to realize that God is the ultimate joy and happiness.



I want to get married:

I’m open for any possibilities… hahaha

Let me share 4years ago I dream I was in a ‘not so remote’ area, I saw a lot of orphans, street kids and we were busy preparing, decorating for this kids graduation day (we were serving these kids something like ministry).
To my surprise I saw a guy in front of me he was smiling and he was also busy serving the kids, strangely I knew and I’m pretty sure that he’s my husband (couldn’t recognize his face tho). I was so shocked I felt that it was a nightmare at that time but the dream was very… how to say..pure?. Hehhee… yes the feeling was so pure. (i know that sounds weird :p)

I don’t know whether this dream is real or sent from above or just a dream.

.14 For the Christian wife bring holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband[d] brings holiness to his marriage.

I love that passage.
Even when I felt that my dream at that time was a ‘nightmare’ but it was pure bc the guy in that dream, he was more than a husband he’s my ministry, mission, prayer, worship partner and a friend :)

im not saying that this dream is true and will come to pass...hehehe..i have no idea but i learned something thru this dream...

We should have godly motives in our marriages; bring holiness instead of selfish motives. Not just to complete each other but also to complete and accomplish God’s calling in each other lives together. To serve God hand in hand, to expand God's kingdom, exhort each other, reminding each other of their calling and purpose inChrist, love each other not expecting anything in return but to love unconditionally.

Even if I need to get married it will be for God’s glory and not to satisfy this flesh.
I do not want to be driven by lust, physical attraction or just because i felt lonely but by godly motives.

i'll conclude with this
7... but God gives to some the gift of marriage, and others the gift of singleness.

After much blabbering and talking I’m still undecided in this matter... lol…
And I believe there’s much that I need to learn from time to time on this subject but as of now this is what im holding on to.

So in this matter it is wise for each one of us to seek God, people can give us advices and voice out their opinions but the Lord have the last word :)

And I find it very effective… throughout my ‘single’ years and while waiting I have to admit there’s so much temptations but God has been faithful, for the past 4years I’ve been praying the same prayer

“O God, help me not to awaken the love until its time” Song of solomon 3:5

Nobody stood by Jesus and maybe nobody will stand by you, its a lonely life but it's a glorious life:)

Counting days… I have to say im filled with excitement also fear, uncertainty but joy that abound…

Within few weeks I’ll be living all alone, all by myself… i really mean ALONE I don’t know for how long… my dad and all my sisters is going back to their place (another country) and im left here, staying in my auntie’s house..and my uncle will take a new job in new place that is 6hours drive from my place…

For some girls, this is FREEDOM… for me this going to be a big responsibility.. I have to look after myself and to keep the trust that they have placed upon me. To keep my life’s testimony pure. Its not that im not used to it living alone… the truth is im not just going to be alone physically but also emotionally (I guess)…

I have this prayer since I was a teenager that . I don’t want to depend on people while living out my Christian walk… I’ve tried and always remind myself not to “place my hope in princess and chariots” … I believe that we (Believer) should have direct relationship with God… we need to discipline our spiritual ear to hear God’s voice not just depend on the prophet and others in order to hear God’s word… learn to stand without depending others only thru God's grace.

I learned a lot when I’m alone, and the Lord has taught me many things unveiled the truth in my quiet moment, when im all alone all my energy and attention focused towards Him.

I used to share my struggles and burden to my youngest sister but I guess its time for us to move on in another level. I also believe that God has something in His mind why He brought me out from my family and placed me here ALONE.

Throughout my walk with God, he has been so faithful… there are times and He knows, if I couldn’t endure or I’m too weak to move on. He will send his sons and daughters to encourage ,uplift my spirit along the way, some are even strangers. He will send them in the right place, with the right words in the right time.

While reading my Bible I also noticed that many times Jesus will find the opportunity to be ALONE, praying and fellowshipping with His Father. In the stillness and quietness’ we will find strength and grace :)

This is also will be the time for me to build up my prayer life... something that i have neglected over these years... intercessory prayer, study apologetics and build up my faith.

i would like to really enjoy this process, to know my God in this season of being alone :)

I will rise up, He will re-build

My mum’s death is the end for some, but for me it’s a beginning of something new…

Last few weeks I was praying in my room and I thought that I have learned and understand the real meaning of Matthew 16:24… and I have to admit that I felt that this life is unfair for me. Loosing someone you love is such a painful experience, no words could ever express the anguish you felt inside. I ended up angry and bitter towards God, I left that room and God just like that…

The next day one of my friend gave me this link, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFoLlDdLLVg
I just felt that God was speaking to me thru that song..
then I just realized how selfish I am that night…
I only think about my suffering and sacrifices that I’ve made but I forgot how Jesus died on the cross…
when I went home I was led to open my Bible in Matthew 10:37-39 im not worthy following him if I do not learn how to gave up everything that I held so dearly. The same day I found a book called ‘a pure heart and a firm spirit’ written by Susan Tang, her book is like a mirror to me, I saw myself in almost every paragraph she wrote... An eye opener for me.. This whole incidents brought me to my knees. He showed me the condition of my heart, before my mum passed away she received a word from God saying “I will break before I will re-build”… the breaking process has just begun in me personally…

In brokenness we will find new strength
In sorrow we will learn how to comfort others
In suffering we will learn to walk in humility

My tears brought pure joy
My fears brought peace in my soul

In anguish, im able to taste the suffering of my Savior
In the lowest point of my life I saw God’s greatness
In this hardship a new song birthed out
In this dessert a new fountain overflows within

I will rise up, he will re-build
I will rise up, he will re-build

Grieving

I think we, no, I should say I, often forget that grieving is an extremely individual process. No one can really experience grief in the way I do, and no one can experience it in the way you do. When the Lord says in Matthew 5:4, Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted, it seems to me he acknowledges that the comfort will be whatever works for the person and their state of grief.


Why is grief so particularized?

(i found this article on the internet...i just felt to share this..blessing!)

http://morethanarticles.net/religion-and-spirituality/christianity/the-mourning-process.html

dedicated for those who suffer loss...

In loving memory of my beloved mother
Leonela Torrefrance Verdadero
16 march 1955 – 23 July 2009

She went peacefully on 23rd of July around 2am. as she wished, she died in our home.

I was undecided whether I should write about my mum or not..
Whether I should talk about her life, write down in details all the memories that I had with her…

I gathered all the strength that left and click this Microsoft word and start typing whatever that’s in my heart. By God’s grace…I can do this..

Early this year I’ve started a project called “ a broken spirit and a contrite heart”
It talks about those who experienced loss or abused etc…
I did few interviews, but it seems like they couldn’t say anything. Their tears started to ‘talk’ to me and asked me to stop.
I wonder what makes it so hard for them to 'talk'?...
then my heart told myself
“Sheila in order to understand what they’re going thru.
The best thing is to go thru yourself”
Its true and I stopped writing or even think about it…
Until recently, my mum went to be with the Lord.
I remember and was inspired to start all over again to finish what has been undone.

Yes, Im still grieving. But now I understand the depth of sorrow that my friends went thru. The feeling that they felt, no amount of words can express the anguish within them. the pain that they went thru. The memories that has stuck in their mind, playing even when they do not desire. The smell, the scent of their loved ones.. the only respond that they can give when others ask, is their tears…

Boulevard of broken dreams

Sounds familiar?..well yeah it’s from a song…
Yesterday we went out with my sisters, cousin.
The wanted to hang out in this place.i never knew those place exists…heheh
Well, when we went up it happened that there’s a wedding going on.
PLAN CANCELED!..anyway, my youngest sister told us that my dad sms her that he’s ‘chilaxing’ near where we are.so we head up to his place… we found him in harbour square at bistro harbour, we called that place boulevard.it facing the sea and it’s a peaceful place to relax.

We laughed and chit chat.. and my dad told us that he always hang out in that place every evening drink a cup or two of his fav. Coffee… whats so significant about that place anyway? He procedd by telling us that it reminds him of my mother. That place used to be a place where my dad and mum landed whenever they came out from the plantation (their working place) via boat.just a few steps from where I was seated is the same place where both of them will wait for the boat before.and what makes that bistro harbour more significant is that every evening the owner of that place will play oldies songs..mostly songs that my mum used to sang when we were young.

as my father told us their stories, I can see that there’s so much pain and memories in him, memories that will always haunt him for the rest of his life…bittersweet memories of my mum.

I wonder…What’s in my father’s heart? Did he regretted for all these years? Did he has a plan for both of them? like achieving something together or planned to move into another country or I don’t know. Whatever that is in his heart, his dreams and plans for my mum. For me it’s just a broken dreams. But one thing I know in spite of what people says, the opinions of men, all the comments and accusations, I witnessed that my father loved my mum deeply..